Cornwall 2024

Harlyn Bay

I took the above photo from the beach at Harlyn Bay on the north coast of Cornwall. It shows the gap between Cataclews Point and Gulland Rock – or rather it shows the apparent gap. The rock is 3.5 km from the camera while the headland is little more than 500 metres away – yet the two appear at first sight to be facing each other across the water.

Likewise the stars in constellations appear to form groups or patterns – though some are many light years further away than others. More distant stars may be intrinsically brighter than nearer ones, which confuses the issue. Similarly with seascapes the eye has no way of knowing the true sizes of rocks and islands.

See this clip from Father Ted for further clarification.

Two German boys are gathering handfuls of sand in an attempt to dam a stream that flows into the bay. One of them shouts stauen and then wiederholen. I think back to my own dam-building childhood. To deter us, a farmer once warned us we’d catch polio from the stream water. I haven’t seen any dam-building English boys – or girls – for many years.

A man and a woman are swimming in the turquoise water in a cove far below the cliff path. I can’t see how they could have walked there from the main beach. Did they swim round the headland – or climb down the cliff? Did they arrive in a boat perhaps? I spot a lifeboat station a couple of hundred metres away. At least their rescuers won’t take long to reach them.

The charmless huts of a holiday park sprawl across many hectares near Harlyn Bay. You approach the park via a narrow lane flanked by tamarisk bushes and blown sand. A golf course extends into the distance on the other side – with the dunes and sea beyond. Up close, the park promises fun for all the family. From a distance – on the coastal path – it stands out as a prosaic patch of little white blocks. Call me an aesthetic snob if you like, but – be honest – you come to Cornwall hoping to see the natural and the lichen-covered, don’t you?

A stile on the coastal path east of the hotel is a vertical piece of slate that you need long legs to step over. (Or if you had immense upper-body strength you might be able to lift yourself and swing them over.) I imagine this barrier could even prevent a person from completing the South West Coastal Path – or at least necessitate a detour. Cliffs lie on the seaward side and an overgrown dyke on the landward. We can find no way around it.


The Hotel

Much of the structure of this old house dates back to the 1600s. It has interior stone, dark bare boards and antique furniture. Tall grasses, thistles and big daisies grow in the grounds – and there’s a kitchen garden smelling of vegetables for the dinner table. A TripAdvisor reviewer has written that the hotel – though nice – is not special enough, or words to that effect. I guess they’d expected a more formal experience for their money – but I like the youthful staff and informality. The hotel combines historic fabric with an unpretentious modern vibe.

Two American couples are sitting at a table in the hotel lounge and all four people contribute to the lively conversation. Earlier today I read that American academics seated at dinner will often say Let’s have a table discussion! Everybody at the table is then supposed to contribute to a learned debate about a chosen topic. The American author of this piece said she’d tried this in the UK and it hadn’t gone down well. The introverted Brit academics had wanted to relax while eating and maybe chat with their immediate neighbours.

Yet the following evening two middle-class English couples are having a discussion that sounds similar to the earlier American one. Bang goes my theory that Americans are different. These are the English chattering classes – but everybody chatters more in a group of four.

Cornwall – June 2022

Great Lantic Beach

Lantic Beach. My first thought is that the locals of old must have truncated the word Atlantic to create this place name. Then I remember that Llan means church in Welsh – one of the two living languages most closely related to the now-extinct Cornish. In England we might call a village Church St Mary. Similarly the Welsh would call it Llanfair. So does Lantic mean the church of St Tic – the latter being perhaps some obscure Celtic saint? Ah, but now I see from the Ordnance Survey map that this beach lies within the parish of Lanteglos which, confusingly, comes from the Old Cornish Nant Eglos meaning valley church – according to Wikipedia. I say «confusingly» because the Nant bit signifies valley and has nothing to do with lan meaning church. Yet the second part Eglos is another Cornish word for church related to the Welsh eglwys, the French église and the Latin ecclesia. It seems more likely then that Lantic is an abbreviation of Lanteglos. I can’t find any confirmation of this on the internet though. I offer it here as pure speculation.

I have taken a lot of photographs today at this point on the south coast of Cornwall. The sun has shone out of a clear blue sky, and so on. I could print them on six by four-inch pieces of card and stack them on a rack outside a newsagent. Except that wouldn’t work as a business model because people no longer buy picture postcards or lick stamps. I use it simply as a device to inform the reader that the bulk of my photos show conventional sunny views of water, sky, bays and rocky headlands.

But I have picked this one out because I like how it divides the scene into horizontal bands: vegetation – sand – foam – sea – wave – more sea – another wave. And the sea in it has a more exotic hue than in any of the others I have taken. The boat adds a little interest, as do the figures on the sand.

The tiny people in the image behave as people typically do on an upscale Cornish beach. They do not lie down. They stand and look active as though they might at any moment jump into a kayak, onto a surfboard, or into the waves. They will splash their companions playfully if they do the last. They look fit and youthful. How can I tell at this distance? I feel I can – but the imagination fills in what the eye cannot see. They do not typically sunbathe or build sandcastles or erect awnings.

Still – joking aside – how do they actually pass their time? This is a fine beach, they say. Look at the blue, the rocks, the sand. How lucky we are. Now what? What I do here makes perfect sense of course. I walk above such beaches and do not tarry in one place for long. I carry my phone in my hand at all times, checking where I am on my map app and occasionally lifting it to take photographs. All this makes perfect sense.

Many people arrive at this sandy place from an informal car park in a grassy field at the top of the hill – some hundred metres above the sea and some five hundred metres to the NNE. As I stand here framing my photograph others pass me, heading down the steep slope to join those already on the sand. I hear Russian spoken – or what sounds like Russian. Could a Russian family have found their way to Cornwall this year? But many Ukrainians speak Russian, and Ukrainian sounds like Russian to the casual listener. The path down to the strand leads between two gorse thickets. A little boy lets out a Slavonic ouch as he squeezes between the prickly bushes.

Last year I also heard numerous people speaking a Russic language not far from here – families making their way down to a bay very much like this one. And I often see Chinese people near the chalk cliffs between Cuckmere Haven and Beachy Head in Sussex. Something draws them there in particular, and nowhere else. Likewise something draws the Japanese to Grasmere and to the home of Beatrix Potter. I see Dutch car number plates everywhere and find them re-assuring. I imagine these matter-of-fact and straightforward people taking the cloudy and rainy days in their stride and enjoying their scones with jam and cream. I try to see my own country through their fresh eyes.

Do the guides available in certain countries big up certain attractions as suitable for the people of those countries? Do they push specific nationalities and language groups in particular directions?


Meachard and Penally Point

I played around with this photograph quite a bit to make it look how I wanted. Of course I started by levelling the horizon. And putting that horizon in the middle seemed to work better than the so-called Rule of Thirds. It makes the image flag-like. Photos of dark rocks and leaden seas under cloudy skies may seem dull to those over-familiar with them – but, for me, the clean central horizon rescues this one.

The tideline is curious. At least I assume the sudden transition from black rock to greenery is a kind of tidemark. If so, the tidal range must be large here. I need a geologist or geographer to put me right on this. If I was on a forum frequented by such people I’d get an instant answer. In a blog post I can just leave the question in the air.

I imagine trying to explore the island. According to my Ordnance Survey map it’s about two hundred metres long and a similar distance from the mainland. It looks as though it might be difficult to land or climb up from a boat. Maybe sea kayaking is the answer? I wish I knew more about these sorts of activities. I’m tempted by them but there are so many barriers: special equipment, instruction, opportunity, safety, and so forth. Walking is much simpler, though it confines you to the land.

The island in the photograph is called Meachard and the headland is Penally Point, on the north coast of Cornwall. Here the River Valency flows into the sea. The village of Boscastle sits on this river, about a kilometre inland. Boscastle hit the news in 2004 when the river burst its banks and caused a lot of damage but no loss of life. If you google this event you’ll find videos of cars being swept away, buildings demolished and residents hoisted into helicopters. In 2022 some of the buildings near the river look newish, though they’ve been rebuilt using traditional materials.

The invisible promontory behind and to the left of the camera is called Willapark. It had a coastguard lookout, and two wild horses galloping about playfully and perilously close to the cliff edges.

Boscastle is more trippery than Fowey, but I guess that’s because it’s a much smaller place with a lot of visitors for its size. Many will come expecting – first of all – a place to park, and then some or all of the following: coffee, tea, beer, ice cream, Cornish pasties and a toilet. So a large proportion of the premises are devoted to those purposes.

The village has a Museum of Witchcraft and Magic. I don’t know why this should be – except that there’s some vague connection with the legendary King Arthur hereabouts. Tintagel – just down the coast – has a lot of that sort of thing. We enter a small shop selling crystals, ornaments, trinkets, and so on – objects with magical or occult associations. The shop is dimly lit and the scent of joss sticks hangs in the air. It is attractively cluttered, with its goods displayed in antique cabinets. I pick up an owl figurine from one of the shelves and the inside smells of old churches.

The owner is seated in a corner and I ask him about one of the objects. Who’s that man over there with the winged helmet? That’s Odin with his messengers, he replies, pointing to the two ravens on either side of Odin’s head. You’ll get a better idea of what’s going on in the world if you incline your ear to them rather than listening to the BBC. I laugh in a polite but non-committal way because I can’t be sure where he’s coming from politically. If this were Scotland he might be left-leaning and pro-independence. Many Scots distrust the BBC because they see it as pro-Union and a tool of the Westminster Government. But this is England, where most of the criticism of the BBC comes from the right. The BBC manages to displease both ends of the political spectrum with its carefully weighed and sometimes timid output.


Jubilee fireworks display – Fowey Harbour

I try again and again to photograph this display in the usual way but never seem to press the shutter at the right moment to catch the starbursts. Finally I hit upon the idea of videoing it and taking a screenshot – with the result you see above.

Of course I view the Monarchy – and hence the Jubilee – as absurd. But then I see much of life as absurd – including the way I grunt, bark and squawk a series of sounds like Mon-arch-y and Ju-bil-ee to refer to these absurd things – sounds that would mean nothing to an alien being. I wear these clothes and not those. This street is curved and that straight. The life I lead now comprises absurd particularities – a single set of possibilities out of an infinitude.

What need is there to weep over parts of life? The whole of it calls for tears.

Seneca’s words apply to absurdity as much as to life. For weep substitute laugh if you like. And I guess if you removed everything purely vain and decorative from life you wouldn’t be left with much.

Returning to earth, Fowey has less in the way of jingoistic Union Flaggery than many other places we pass through between Sussex and Cornwall. In the town I spot an androgynous person who strikes me as the quintessential denizen of a place like this. She wears loafers and short jeans showing bare ankles and – crucially – a sort of straw trilby hat on his head. This kind of person sets the tone.

Perhaps the «real» native of these parts sits seething in a caravan on a bleak inland field – priced out of the housing market by incomers. But frankly, what reason does that native person have to revere the Queen?

Later, while walking, we come upon a large black vehicle dropping a couple off at a cottage a couple of miles outside town. The dropped-off man wears all-black clothes like a musician – his girlfriend likewise. What’s your name? he asks the similarly black-clad and modish driver. I’m Dean. Call me Dino. Right! Thanks Dino. Make sure you finish this over the next week, says the laughing Dino as he hands over a hamper of food – and maybe champagne. They all seem professionally and performatively cheerful – as though their roles and job descriptions specify it. The scene suggests to me the sort of holiday you’d get if you asked your bank’s concierge service to arrange it.

When I try to describe clothes and modes of attire I realise I simply don’t have the vocabulary. But anyway I feel sure that the aforementioned persons wouldn’t want too many plastic triangular union flags on their cottage, in their town, in their part of Cornwall. At most they might condescend to display an antique Jack, dyed inky blue and deep blood-red – and knitted out of ironic Herdwick wool. Different flags have different connotations – in case the reader should accuse me of an inconsistent lack of snobbishness about the flags of other nations.

The waterfront of Polruan, on the opposite side of Fowey Harbour, serves as a kind of stage for the town, with the harbour itself serving as an amphitheatre. The people of Fowey get a better view than the inhabitants of the Polruan «stage», while the latter get to suffer more of the downsides of the performances. The music before the fireworks is attenuated to a tolerable volume during its half-kilometre passage over the water to Fowey, but no doubt deafens those fated to live nearby in the «wings».

The day after the display, strange singing emanates from the Polruan side. It sounds operatic or ecclesiastical, or perhaps like a series of rugby-match songs – though better sung and at a higher, more female pitch.

Cornwall 2022

We defy a dire weather forecast and set off for Cornwall in February. We’ve booked a hotel for two nights – one that we’ve visited many times in the past. The food and change of scene will compensate for the baleful weather, we hope.

West of Southampton my satnav directs me north of our usual coastal route. We head inland towards Salisbury – a city that hit the news a few years ago. Two Russian guys claimed on TV that they’d only gone there to look at the cathedral, and nobody believed them. Today the 123-metre spire – the tallest in England – pokes up above a mundane row of shops as we drive around the ring road. This new route traverses Wiltshire and Somerset in place of Dorset. At one point I spot a sign for Longleat. What happened to safari parks? You never hear about them these days. In the seventies I once drove my girlfriend through Knowsley Safari Park in a Mini. An elephant leant on the car, leaving a skin print on the side window. People used to think it amusing if a troupe of monkeys tore off their windscreen wipers.

Strange odours find their way into cars. All around lies empty countryside, yet I can smell the stale overheated bacon fat from a cheap caff – those places where they used to put two sugars in your tea whether you asked for it or not. And this prosaic and depressing smell continues for miles – but I know it will vanish if I stop the car and get out. Further on, when the in-car whiff has long ceased, the same pong pervades a dingy service area. I swear that smells sometimes sensitise my nostrils so I pick up traces of them wherever I go.

We’ve brought CDs with us to play in the car. I don’t know how up-to-date people play music, but we listen to CDs while driving – and today we’ve got Katherine Jenkins. I like this kind of music and avoid Morris dancing and incest. Why would you not like Katherine Jenkins? She has a rich and sonorous voice, and I love it when she sings in foreign languages. Welsh is my favourite, but any language other than English. I sometimes skip the songs in English, except the hymns of course. The other night I saw her on television – all soft lighting and slinky dresses – a different one for each song. At the end they whisked her away in an open-top Rolls Royce.

So let’s see. I know I can’t hold my own talking about sport, and my CD collection disqualifies me from talking about music. I can’t compete with this man on Twitter either.

what’s your pop culture white whale? i mean unreleased/unrealized stuff like “the day the clown cried” – mine is the rumored jay-z blueprint 3 track “crispy benjamins” which supposedly sampled regina spektor’s “chemo limo”

I screen-shotted this because I barely understood half of it.

By the way, I sometimes envy Finnish men. I imagine them sitting in front of the athletics with a can of beer, a sausage and a tube of Turun Sinappi (a kind of mustard). Finland has a lot of women in top jobs and politics, but the sexes inhabit different universes. I envy the males’ uncomplicated insouciance.

Near our destination in Cornwall we stop at what we call the bilingual Texaco garage. They used to talk to tourists in standard English, reverting to broad Cornish when a local came in. However, the garage has become monoglot on today’s disappointing evidence.

We order afternoon tea on arrival, and I continue reading The Slap by Christos Tsiolkas. Tsiolkas describes life in suburban Australia, and many of his characters are Greek immigrants – though some have their origins elsewhere. I have little in common with their temperaments yet I can relate to their basic urges – lust to name but one. Tsiolkas goes into detail here. Thinking about my own writing, could I say anything new about having an erection? Fear of ridicule inhibits me I suppose. Nobody wants the Bad Sex Award on their mantlepiece, and some clever dick is bound to tell you that sex is boring. How can you get the tone right and avoid sounding silly? Swearing presents a similar problem. I didn’t learn to swear when I was young so I ring like a cracked bell when I try to do it now. And then there are the people who try to talk posh in middle age. They can’t do the authentic informal register because they didn’t learn it in childhood.

The hotel has a full dining room on this grey windy February evening. The East European staff have stayed on too despite what I’d feared. How old do you think Patrick is? a woman asks her husband. He was a second lieutenant in Borneo in 1964, the man replies. I was a subaltern then. The husband sounds too young for that – but I can’t turn my head around, so I study his indistinct reflection in the dining-room window. I can only make out his grey hair.

In places like this you’ll often overhear a group airing their knowledge of luxury hotels in the UK. They namecheck them but rarely seem to have got much joy from their outings. The better the hotel the more they expect, and the greater their disappointment. I find it painful to listen to these conversations. They remind me of the human condition – forever trying to fill a void – forever failing and renewing the search. And the performative public voices in restaurants. Do these couples continue this performance in their own rooms, or do they switch to private mode? I sometimes feel the urge to say something performative myself. This show requires us all to contribute.

The following day we visit Truro, with its granitic streets and deep drainage gutters. The latter are small ditches with little bridges crossing them at various points. I speculate that the hard rock under the city makes it difficult to dig underground drains. We agree that they could improve the big square at Lemon Quay by getting rid of the tat – otherwise Truro has a lot going for it. Later we move on to Pendennis Castle near Falmouth, with its gun emplacements and moat walk.

At dinner on the second evening we eavesdrop on a middle-aged woman and a late teenage boy. I assume they are mother and son, but what has happened to the boy’s father? The young man is a clever science student – a potential Cambridge entrant I gather. This supposed mother and son have an easy relationship, and they laugh and joke like friends. I imagine the boy’s intelligence helps, and the mother’s youthful spirit. Do they get on well because the boy lives with his stepmother?

I often use earplugs when I stay in hotels, and on our second night I try out a new brand that I haven’t worn before. The following morning I set about removing them. One comes out after a bit of probing, but my fingernails can’t reach the other one. I’ve pushed it further in and now I can’t even see it. I need the help of a professional. Yet how to arrange this since we have to drive home today? I ring our local GP surgery in Sussex hoping to make an appointment for when we arrive there in the late afternoon. But they suggest I go instead to a minor injuries unit, either in Cornwall or Sussex. I opt for the latter, and we set off home.

After about ten miles I change my mind, so I pull in off the road. It seems I have to dial the NHS 111 service to arrange it in Cornwall. A woman with a Geordie accent answers, mentioning the buzzword triage several times. She needs my name, address, phone number, and other information about my health. Where are you? she asks. I’m parked by a road. What’s your postcode? I don’t have a postcode because I’m parked by a road. What can you see? I can see a hedge and a farm track. I’m sorry that’s not enough. I need a postcode in case we have to send out an ambulance. But it’s only a plug stuck in my ear. It doesn’t matter – them’s the rules. Look at your phone, she suggests. I look at it and press the blue dot on the Maps app. My latitude and longitude appear, displayed to five decimal places. I read the numbers out to her, and she types them in at her end. I’m sorry nothing’s coming up, she says. I give up, thank her, say goodbye, and hang up. But then a thought occurs to me. Why didn’t I give her the postcode of the hotel? After all she doesn’t know my actual location, and they’ll never need it anyway. So after a decent interval I ring again and give her the hotel’s postcode.

This admits me to the next level – a call-back from a doctor. He sounds reassuring, like the young man who says Crucifixion this way! in Monty Python’s Life Of Brian. I guess they instil this into young doctors in their training these days. He suggests I go to a certain clinic that has a current waiting time of zero. It seems he has all this information at his fingertips. I set up the satnav and drive there. It takes twenty minutes or so. I wander into the deserted hospital and catch sight of three nurses in a small reception office. They shoo me back in jest as I enter, hooking their Covid chain across the doorway and making me stand behind it. I lean against the jamb trying to appear casual as I explain my predicament. At this moment I’m thankful I have a small piece of foam in my ear and not a 1.5-volt battery lodged in my rectum. Mm, I wonder why they sent you here? Hospital X would have been closer. The question answers itself given the lack of other patients. Right then, we’ll triage you. Take a seat round the corner. One of them emerges with a clipboard. On a scale of one to ten how much pain are you in? Zero, I say. Should I have said ten? But my answer admits me to the next level anyway. Just wait a minute, she says. We’ll sort you out.

Another nurse summons me into the treatment room and instructs me to lie on my side. She approaches me with a head torch and a pair of curved forceps in a stainless steel dish. She fails twice, but extracts the offending plug on the third go. I suggest you get rid of the rest of those things, she says. They have a serious design flaw, I agree, and I paid over the odds for them too. I thank these friendly and amusing ladies and continue my journey.

28 Aug 2021 – Cornwall | Day 3

We are at breakfast. Three seagulls – two adults and a juvenile – swoop down on some abandoned food on a table on the terrace. One of them overturns a cup of cold coffee into the saucer – another gets away with a piece of toast. We all love this display of avian cheekiness. An amused waitress dutifully rushes out to shoo them away.

We decide to take the ferry to Polruan, on the far side of the harbour. The little vessel shuttles back and forth every 15 minutes or so. One might regard an open boat on a breezy estuary as a fairly Covid-free situation, but all our fellow passengers start to don their masks – and the captain has one on too. We ransack our bags for our face coverings and wear them for the first time in Cornwall. For some reason, non-compliance doesn’t feel like an option in this intimate group with everybody’s eyes on everybody else.

When we arrive on the Polruan side I have the sense that we’ve landed on an island, and I have to remind myself that Polruan sits on a peninsula. A complicated network of minor roads connects it to the rest of Cornwall. We walk a circuit of the headland, involving a fair amount of climbing. At the highest point we see our hotel in its wider context on the far side of the water. On our return passage a petite and pretty blond girl joins the captain to collect the fares. As we approach the Fowey shore she pivots her body over the side with her feet in the air, deftly reaching down to snatch a rope from the jetty. She then lashes it to a onboard mooring post with great vigour and determined force.

Yachts in Fowey Harbour

We briefly consider taking a second ferry to Mevagissey in the afternoon, but decide instead to walk along the coast to the west of Fowey. If you like circular walks, Cornwall often presents a dilemma because you naturally want to stick to the better scenery of the coastal path and avoid the often overgrown and little used inland ones. However in this instance we do manage to walk a pleasant loop. We follow attractive inland tracks to Polridmouth before returning east along the coastal cliffs.

At dinner I listen to younger people ordering. Whereas I just say I’ll have such-and-such, they typically ask: May I have such-and-such? I guess fewer years have elapsed in their case since their parents taught them to say please and thank you. I’ve become a bit lax perhaps. [Millennials often also use the American Can I get?] A party at an adjacent table includes two late teenage girls, discussing Latin and Estuary English with the relentless energy of youth – pleasant enough to listen to for a short while, but quite tiring when you hear it all day long as a teacher.

27 Aug 2021 – Cornwall | Day 2

I wake up this morning feeling better than I’d normally expect after so much food and drink – and after going to bed too early, and on too full a stomach. But I’ve had a strange dream …..

I find myself attending some kind of event – possibly at the college where I used to teach. One of the women has more of the air of an investigative journalist than a teacher however. A gigolo-like man with an Australian accent appears, offering his services as a photographer. The woman avails herself of this service, supposedly in her capacity as a journalist. She has to undress. The man oils up her body, taking his own clothes off too as he snaps away, visibly aroused. The woman describes the experience as empowering or some such word, but I don’t buy it. She knows she has a good body and just wants to show it off, I think. This voyeurism then turns a tad gross when the woman’s little dog starts to fellate the photographer. I can only think of its glistening canine teeth at this point. Afterwards I find myself sitting with all these so-called teachers around a big dinner table. By way of making conversation, one of the men asks the photographer if people would have accepted his career choice if he’d stayed in his small home town Down Under. He laughs at the very idea. Of course not! he says. So that’s why you’ve come over here! I blurt out in a loud and confident voice. Everybody at the tables laughs and I bask for a moment in their appreciation of my humour, though I feel I’ve made a pretty weak joke – indeed not really a joke at all. Soon, however, it becomes apparent that my naivety and directness has amused them – and not my smart repartee. Some of them repeat my words mockingly, imitating my accent and tone of voice. I try to turn the situation round by getting in on the joke. Ee I’m so blunt me – I speak as I find! I say, sending myself up – but all to no avail. I wake up.

On the way down to breakfast I spot a Daily Mail on the corridor floor, just outside one of the rooms. The headline reads: The Tragic Price of Surrender. Why subject yourself to this when on holiday? My father always refused to buy a paper during our weeks at Llandudno or Scarborough in the 60s. I didn’t understand why not at the time, though I do now. Then I saw world events as a remote theatre for grown-ups. They didn’t touch me.

We eat our breakfast while surveying a Mediterranean scene of blue sky, water, boats, yachts, sunlit cottages, and villas on steep coastal slopes. A couple of days ago I saw a statement from the Cornish Tourist Board in one of the papers – telling people not come unless they’d pre-booked accommodation, on account of expected crowds and high Covid case numbers. I make a conscious choice to live in the world we can see from the hotel window for a day or two and to ignore this other world. I guess the other people I see around me in the dining room have made the same choice.

Tourists on a street in Fowey

When we return later in the day I order afternoon tea at the bar, and I hear two waitresses conversing in the accent of Louisa from Doc Martin. I’ve never really noticed the local Cornish accent on previous visits to the county.

At dinner my wife says she can see a man who looks like a younger version of the Jimmy Perez character in Shetland. I rotate my head discreetly and see an attractive young couple sitting at a nearby table – the Perez lookalike with a slender female companion. Most guests have gone into holiday sartorial mode, but these two have dressed up and made an effort. They know they’re a bit special and living a charmed life – as are we all to a lesser extent given the exceptional weather and glorious location. After dinner they pause on the stairs to take photographs of each other. When they see us enter the antique lift I fancy they make a mental note of another photo-opportunity.

Cornwall 2021

This morning my satnav has told me to drive from Sussex to Cornwall via the M25 rather than follow the coast. If I disobey and meet heavy traffic the woman in the device will wag her finger at me and say I told you so. I call her Charlotte Green after the Radio Four announcer, on account of her impeccable vowels.

By obeying Ms Green I may have avoided a snarled up coast, but the M25 proves grim in its own way, and the nadir comes as we near Camberley. Camberley people lead good-enough lives in their affluent town yet this vanilla place tips me into low spirits. Morning demons take hold of me. A single day can encompass heaven and hell. I have no children and used to teach, so Harry Potter and Hogwarts and all the rest leave me cold. Yet I sense that Rowlings’ dementors hover over the M3 corridor today. The depressive Rowlings conceived the dementors as depression in spirit form.

Last month I read To The Hebrides: Samuel Johnson’s Journey to the Western Islands and James Boswell’s Journal. In the book Boswell writes about his own melancholy, and Johnson confesses to Lady MacLeod of Dunvegan that his vile melancholy has made him mad all his life. Boswell’s remedy is what he calls an enamel of philosophy. This repels his malady but is costly to maintain and hard to reapply if melancholy finds a breach in it. I have my own enamel I suppose, yet I fall back on Matthew Arnold’s hourly varied anodynes most of the time.

We check into our hotel in Fowey, a solid piece of work described on its website as Victorian boutique. The building stands in a commanding position on the coast with fine views over Fowey Harbour. Beyond reception is an old-fashioned lift with concertina gates. At first I assume they’ve kept it as a design feature or talking point, but in fact it works. In the late seventies they had a continuously moving lift at the Institute of Education in London. You had to hop onto a platform as it passed and hop off again at your destination floor. I could never figure out how such a lift could operate safely and I don’t think I’ve ever seen one since.

Our dinner menu has salmon as its catch of the day. I snigger at the idea of salmon caught in Cornwall but a search reveals that the county does have salmon rivers. Still you might wonder whether they yield enough of the fish to supply hotels. Google also tells me that Cornwall has farmed trout but not salmon.

We wander out into the streets of Fowey after dinner. We last visited the town about 15 years ago but it seems more attractive now than I remember or had expected. The lights of the buildings in Polruan on the far side of the estuary make a fine scene. We pass lively little bars and restaurants and groups sit and chat here and there on the pavements. Two sleek tanned and otterlike men are conversing in one of the narrow steep lanes. They are wearing brilliant white holiday shirts that seem to glow in the twilight. One says: I’m always travelling. Always travelling. Tomorrow I’ll be off again. I’ll put my head on the pillow tonight and be off like a log. We speculate about what it would be like to live here. It wouldn’t work out for a grumpy person we decide.

Evening view along the coast at Fowey


I wake up feeling better than expected after so much food and drink followed by too early a night. But I’ve had a strange dream.

I’m attending some kind of event at the college where I used to teach. One woman has more of the air of an investigative journalist than a teacher however. A gigolo-like man with an Australian accent appears, offering his services as a photographer. The woman avails herself of this service in her capacity as a journalist and she has to undress. The man oils up her body, taking his own clothes off as he snaps away, visibly aroused. The woman describes the experience as empowering but I don’t buy it. She knows she has a good body and just wants to show it off, I think. This voyeurism then turns a tad gross when the woman’s little dog fellates the photographer. I can only think of its glistening canine teeth at this point. Afterwards I’m sitting with these so-called teachers around a big dinner table. One man asks the photographer if the locals would have accepted his career if he’d stayed in his Aussie town. He laughs at the very idea. Of course not! he says. So that’s why you’ve come over here! I blurt out in a loud and confident voice. Everybody at the table laughs and I bask for a moment in their appreciation of my humour. However I know it was a weak joke – in fact not really a joke at all. And it soon becomes clear that it was my naivety and directness that amused them and not my smart repartee. Some of them repeat my words mockingly, imitating my accent and voice. I try to turn the situation around by getting in on the joke. Ee I’m so blunt me. I speak as I find! I say, sending myself up. But all to no avail. I wake up.

On the way down to breakfast I spot a Daily Mail on the corridor floor outside one room. The headline reads The Tragic Price of Surrender. Why subject yourself to this when on holiday? My father always refused to buy a paper during our weeks at Llandudno or Scarborough in the sixties. I didn’t understand him then, though I do now. Then I saw world events as a remote theatre for grown-ups. They didn’t touch me.

We eat breakfast while surveying the blue sky and water and boats and yachts and sunlit coast. A couple of days before the Cornish Tourist Board put out a newspaper statement. People shouldn’t come unless they’d pre-booked accommodation. Crowds were expected and Covid case numbers were high. I choose to live in the world we can see from the hotel window for a day or two and ignore this other world. I guess the people I see around me in the dining room have made the same choice.

Tourists on a street in Fowey

When we return later in the day I order afternoon tea at the bar. There I hear two waitresses conversing in the accent of Louisa from Doc Martin. I’ve never noticed the local Cornish accent on previous visits to the county.

At dinner my wife says she can see a man who looks like a younger version of the Jimmy Perez character in Shetland. I rotate my head trying not to make it too obvious. An attractive couple are sitting at a nearby table – the Perez lookalike and a slender female. Most guests have gone into sartorial holiday mode but these two have dressed up and made an effort. They know they’re special and living a charmed life, as are we all to some extent given the exceptional weather and glorious location. After dinner they pause on the stairs to take photographs of each other. When they see us enter the antique lift I fancy they make a mental note of another photo opportunity.


We are at breakfast. Three seagulls – two adults and a juvenile – swoop down on some abandoned food on a table on the terrace. One of them overturns a cup of cold coffee into the saucer. Another gets away with a piece of toast. We all love this display of avian cheekiness. An amused waitress dutifully rushes out to shoo them away.

We decide to take the ferry to Polruan on the far side of the harbour. The little vessel shuttles back and forth every 15 minutes. You might think an open boat on a breezy estuary was pretty Covid-safe but all our fellow passengers don their masks and the captain has one too. We ransack our bags for our face coverings and wear them for the first time in Cornwall. Non-compliance doesn’t feel like an option in this intimate group with all eyes bearing down.

When we arrive on the Polruan side I have the sense that we’ve landed on an island, and I have to remind myself that Polruan sits on a peninsula. A complicated network of minor roads connects it to the rest of Cornwall. We walk a circuit of the headland involving a fair amount of climbing, and at the highest point we see our hotel in its wider context on the far side of the water. On our return passage a petite and pretty blond girl joins the captain to collect the fares. As we approach the Fowey shore she pivots her body over the side of the ferry, and her feet spring into the air as she snatches a rope from the jetty. She then lashes it to an onboard mooring post with great vigour and determination.

Yachts in Fowey Harbour

We consider taking a second ferry to Mevagissey in the afternoon but instead walk along the coast west of Fowey. If you like circular walks Cornwall often presents a dilemma – you want to stick to the better scenery of the coast and avoid the overgrown and little-used inland paths. Yet we do manage to walk a pleasant loop. We follow inland tracks to Polridmouth before returning east along the coastal cliffs.

At dinner I listen to younger people ordering. They typically ask May I have such-and-such? I just say I’ll have such-and-such. I guess their parents taught them to say please and thank you more recently than mine. I wonder if I’ve become lax. Millennials often use the American Can I get? A party at an adjacent table includes two late teenage girls. They are discussing Latin and Estuary English with the relentless energy of youth. This kind of talk is okay to listen to for a short while but it used to tire me when I heard it all day long as a teacher. Be thankful you were teaching bright kids! I can hear many less fortunate teachers protesting.